Asuka in: A Sondheim Soliloquy
by Author0fntent
Summary: In the aftermath of the battle with the 14th Angel, a downcast Asuka, after venting most of her anger and frustration, turns to a little night music for comfort-and has something of an epiphany regarding the missing Shinji.


***Disclaimer: I don't own a thing of Gainax. ****_Capisce?_*******

"I got that she made it, okay?!" Asuka said vehemently into the phone. "Dammit, Misato, don't keep calling me over every little thing!"

Asuka slammed the phone back onto the receiver, and collapsed face-first onto her bed. Her room was an utter mess, a result of her earlier tantrum. A coffee mug lay broken in pieces, a couple of magazines had been torn to shreds, and one of her throw pillows had been ripped, the stuffing leaking out. Asuka had really gone to town on her room, all because of her anger both at everything going on her life, and at Shinji. Anger she couldn't even vent at him...because presently, he wasn't around. In the battle with the 14th Angel that occurred weeks ago, once again she tried to prove her worth as a pilot. She gave everything she got in facing the beast, and all it got her was her EVA's arms and head sliced off.

"To think..." she lamented. "To think I couldn't do anything! I can't believe I lost to that stupid Shinji!"

Once again, Shinji came to the rescue, his sync rate having climbed beyond the threshold. The resulting berserk EVA-01 completely eviscerated the Angel, but at a great cost, as the staff at NERV found after bringing the EVA back to HQ. Shinji's sync had caused him to be absorbed into the EVA's very core, and since then, for the better part of two days, every effort had been directed at trying to get him out; it was going to take a while. Misato hadn't been back to the apartment for all that time, and probably wouldn't be, since she was the most worried for Shinji. Asuka was left alone, her mood swinging between more than a few extremes. She'd always been hard on other people, especially the Third Child. Truthfully though, there was only one person she'd been harder on the most: herself. She'd felt humiliated by her loss against the Angel, and her self-confidence took a dive; the fact that it was Shinji again who saved her, took the kill, the glory that should be hers due to her experience and superior skill, served to pour more salt in the wound.

"I hate this!" she cried to no one, seeing how, aside from Pen-Pen, she was the only one in the darkened apartment.

_It's always him,_ she thought bitterly, _Shinji, Shinji, Shinji. Damn wimp..._

For the next two days she kept on like this, alternating between sulking and raging within her room, stepping out only to eat or use the bathroom. However, on the following night, something else happened. For some random reason even she couldn't fathom, she'd passed by Shinji's open room. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed an object on his dresser. Curiosity overriding her indignation, she walked over and picked the object up. She turned on the light to get a better look at it. When she did, her curiosity was further piqued; the object in question was small and square, and covered in wrapping paper. Attached to it was a small card, with Asuka's name on the envelope. Finally giving in, she opened it and read the card, the contents of which proved to be very surprising to her:

_Dear Asuka,_

_I never told you this before, because I was, well, afraid of how you'd react. The night before we fought the 7th Angel, I saw you sleepwalk into my room. You collapsed onto my bed, and I saw something I hadn't seen you do before. You were crying. You mentioned your mother. I've thought about that night for a while since then. Looks like we've got more in common than I thought. Just wanted you to know, you aren't alone: I lost my mother too. I won't ask you how; tell me when you feel ready. In the meantime, I wanted to do something really nice for you. Listening to music to help me fall asleep helps me keep the pain away-maybe it'll work for you too. I didn't know what kind of music you liked, so I found something that hopefully sounds good to you. Happy birthday, Asuka._

_Sincerely, Shinji._

Asuka was taken aback by this. While she was still angry at him, despite his current MIA status, in truth, Asuka really didn't know how she truly felt about the Third Child. He could be so meek, so spineless, never standing up for himself. Yet there were times where he could be the opposite, and she knew them very well; when he saved her from falling into the volcano after she'd beaten the 8th Angel was the one that always came to mind. More than that, he actually acted kindly to her, even if all she did in return was treat him like dirt.

Here in this card, she'd uncovered some of the extent about how he felt about her. That he could be understanding. That maybe he did like her. The fact that he'd gotten her a present seemed to prove it; because everyone was so focused on getting him out of the EVA, it'd seem like everyone had forgotten her birthday. She'd been feeling like the girl in that American movie she'd caught on TV a while ago, which was, fittingly, about a redheaded girl who seems to have been forgotten about on her sixteenth birthday. Yet like in that movie, at least one boy had remembered.

Asuka put the card down and proceeded to tear the wrapping paper off the object. Underneath it was a CD, _A Tribute to Stephen Sondheim_. She'd heard the name before-he was an American songwriter, known for his work in musicals. Asuka felt genuinely touched by the gift; it made her think of the day she'd come into the apartment to find Shinji playing his cello. She actually thought he was good with the instrument.

Deciding to give it a listen, she took the CD and the card into her room. After putting the card aside, she then dug out her CD player and headphones-which, thankfully, hadn't been subject to her wrath-and lay down on her bed. She popped the CD in and proceeded to press 'play'. The more and more it kept going through each track, the more she started to enjoy it. _Turns out the baka can be thoughtful,_ she mused. At the same time, she began to grow sleepy. Her eyes closed as she fell into a deep slumber, just as the next song came on. It wound up influencing her dream that night very heavily.

In her dream, Asuka found herself performing in a jazz club. She was wearing a flowing evening gown, colored a golden yellow akin to her favorite sundress. At the piano onstage was, to her mild surprise, Rei Ayanami, the First Child. Why she was in her dream, she had no idea; she did admit to herself that, for a dream, the First played the piano very well. The next thing she knew, Asuka found herself singing the very song running on her player as she slept. She gave it her all in the performance.

Asuka:

_**Isn't it rich?**_

_**Isn't it fair?**_

_**Me, here at last on the ground,**_

_**And you in mid-air...**_

_**But where are the clowns?**_

_**Send in the clowns...**_

_**Isn't it bliss?**_

_**Don't you approve?**_

_**One who keeps tearing around,**_

_**And one who can't move...**_

_**But where are the clowns?**_

_**Send in the clowns...**_

Asuka then longingly looked at a small framed picture of Shinji that laid on top of the piano, realizing that in truth, she did miss him-badly.

_**Just when I'd stopped opening doors,**_

_**Finally knowing the one that I wanted...was yours.**_

Smiling, she whirled from her position to face the audience, in a fashion akin to when she showed Shinji Unit-02 for the first time, back on the _Over the Rainbow_.

_**Making my entrance again with my usual flair,**_

_**Sure of my lines...**_

When she opened her eyes, what greeted her was a majority of the tables in the club being empty.

_**Nobody's there.**_

At that moment, a vision of Shinji himself appeared onstage, to which she turned and made her way towards, a pleading look on her face.

_**Don't you love a farce?**_

_**My fault, I fear.**_

_**I thought that you'd want what I want...**_

Shinji [shaking his head]: **_Sorry, tsundere..._**

The Shinji apparition then faded from view. A saddened Asuka then sat down on one of the steps of the stage as she kept singing.

Asuka:

_**But where are the clowns?**_

_**Send in the clowns...**_

A vision of Hikari then entered with Kensuke and Toji, both dressed as clowns, in tow.

Asuka [waving them away without even looking]: _**Don't bother-**_

Hikari [surprised that Asuka stopped her before saying a word]: _**They're here...?**_

Hikari sheepishly turned and shook her head at Kensuke and Toji, who then turned around and walked off, disappointed, funny squeaks and noises coming from each footstep. Soon it was only Asuka and Rei onstage again.

Asuka:

_**Isn't it rich?**_

_**Isn't it queer?**_

The image of a sync graph appeared next to Asuka, which showed her sync rate dipping.

_**Losing my timing this late in my career.**_

_**But where are the clowns?**_

_**There ought to be clowns...**_

She then looked out and saw, to her relief, sitting at a table square in the middle of the club, an entranced Shinji. The sight of him caused a small smile to slowly appear on Asuka's face.

Asuka:

_**Well, maybe next year...**_

As the song faded out, Asuka was fast asleep, unaware of the fact that she'd been crying, evidenced by the tracks of her tears still present.

Twenty-seven days later, the tech crews at NERV had done it. Shinji had come out of the core of Unit-01, much to the overjoyed Misato's relief...and to the joy of a highly relieved Asuka. As he rested in NERV's medical wing, Asuka stayed by his side, until he awoke the following day. When he awakened, he was surprised to see the Second Child, sleeping in the chair next to his bed.

_This...this can't be real,_ he thought. _How...?_

"A-Asuka...?" he said as he tried to get her attention. She didn't stir at first. "Asuka?" he tried again. This time, she slowly woke up, having heard his soft voice. When she opened her eyes, she knew she hadn't been imagining it. He was back. He was looking at her, speaking to her.

"How...how're you feeling?" she asked him.

Shinji was surprised. To him, it always seemed like she didn't want anything to do with him at all. Yet here she was, in his hospital room...showing him some concern. Genuine concern.

"I...pretty tired, actually," he replied. "How long-?"

Asuka held up a hand. "Don't think about that right now," she said. "There's something I want to say first." She then brought out the CD, which she'd had with her the entire time. "I found this in your room."

Shinji looked at the CD in her hands. Now he was even more surprised-he didn't think she'd find it, considering he was planning to give it to her on her birthday.

"Did you...like it?" he asked.

Asuka hesitated at first, before smiling at him. "I did," she replied. "I...really love it." She then got up from her chair and moved closer to him. "Get some rest, okay? I'll see you later." She leaned down towards him. "One more thing..." she said. She then leaned in and kissed him on the lips, in a way far different from the one she'd goaded him into some time ago. He was blushing when she disengaged and stood back up. "Thank you...for remembering," she said as she turned to head out of the room. Before she closed the door, she smiled at him again, which he returned. Shinji then laid back down on the bed, the smile not having left his face, as he fell back into a peaceful slumber.

**END.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
I've had this particular idea of Asuka singing "Send in the Clowns" in a dream sequence in my head for a while now. It's the third in my unofficially-named 'EVA Sinatra Trilogy', following my EVA-themed riffs on songs from **_**Guys and Dolls **_**and **_**Robin and the Seven Hoods**_**. Unlike those two, this one's a bit more serious. It's an alternate take on a part of the events of episode 20. I tweaked a couple of lyrics a bit, but it's all serving the narrative here, no harm no foul. I just hope I gave you all something different from my usual comedic repertoire. In terms of audio accompaniment, I suggest either the backing track from the Sinatra version of the song...or if you're feeling that wistful, the Judy Collins version.**


End file.
